The contractor

Gma: bob measured everything
Uncle Tim: Watch yourself kay

Conversation with Olivia

Gma: (Answering phone) Hello?
Olivia: (thinking it's me) You sound weird.
Gma: I sound weird? it's because i just smoked dope.

Farting

Gma: (singing) I like blowing air out my butt. I do it all the time. I do it every where. At church and other places.

Sandi: Oh? Like where?

Gma: Like church, the store, around the house. I blow air out my butt all the time.

Be good

Gma: Goodbye Olivia! Be good.
Olivia: I'm always good, except when I'm not.
Gma: And when you're not, name it after me (aside to me) She has a kid and names it Grandma Kay. Oh, then we'll be in big trouble.

On Shawn Johnson

Watching womens gymnastics:

Gma: If I were her, i'd just say "Fuck gymnastics" and do swimming instead.

Sex and politics.

k: So they're saying that john edwards was sleeping around.
s: gosh, why can't those democrats just keep it in their pants?
k: well, the republicans are sleeping around too, but since they're doing it with the same sex, its kept quiet.

Something from the vault

One night during dinner the phone rang and my grandma picked it up. It was a telemarketer trying to sell her a window for her car. He asked her if her window was broken, she replied, "Oh, you're the one who broke my window?" He said, "No Mam." She turned to my grandpa and said, "Honey, here's the guy who broke our windshield!" This went on for a while. Then he hung up on her. She claims it's the first telemarketer to ever hang up on the callee.

Ding Dong.... Doorbell

Gma: *Laying down in her room watching TV. Commercial had a doorbell* Oh, shit!
Sandi: Uh, Gma.... that was the TV
Gma: Well, I was sleeping.

Ass Hole?

Gma: (Walking down the hall) (singing) LaLaLaLaLaLaLa You're an ass hole.
Sandi: Gma!
Gma: (coming into my room with a towel on her head) You're an ass hole you're an ass hole you're an ass hole. I can walk backwards and forwards and you don't know which way i'm going.

You have no friends

Gma: Sandi, you have no friends. No boyfriend. No one wants to talk to you.

*on the phone to her friend*
Gma: Hi Lynette.
Sandi: HI LYNETTE!
Gma: Sandi says Hi. SHE SAYS HI BACK. I just told her that she has no friends and no boyfriend so I decided to call one of my friends, because I have them and she doesn't

Abortion?

At Breakfast:
Sandi: I love eggs.
Gma: They're aborted chickens.
Sandi: What would make you say that?
Gma: They are.
Sandi: Well, now I can't eat my eggs
Gma: Yes you can.
Sandi: No, Gma, I can't.

Haven't updated for a while...

Grandma: So, Grandpa is taking me away for a few days. We're staying in a $30 a night hotel
Sandi: Thats pretty cheap.
Grandma: Yea, the last time I was in a $30 a night hotel I was on my back.

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Grandma: Look, Sandi, they've painted a mural on the wall over there. I didn't know they were going to do that. And look, there's a little area for the dogs to run and play and say "pick me! pick me!" because if someone doesn't they'll die.
Sandi: That's really morbid, Grandma!
Grandma: Yea, well. Look, the car in front of us is from Carmax, isn't that where your car is from?
Sandi: Wow, you're all over the place today Grandma!
Grandma: Yea, well I took my uppers today. But I'm going to church later, so I'm going to have to take my downers.
Sandi: Oh, yea? Maybe they'll make you pray again.

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Sandi: GRANDMA!!!
Grandma: Coming! *arrives at bathroom door to see me wrapped in a towel with soap in my hair* What's wrong
Sandi: *walks to bathroom sink and turns it on, no water comes out*
Grandma: Oh, well. Grandpa must be working on the sprinklers. Finish your hair in the toilet.
Sandi: What?!
Grandma: Kidding, I'll go find your grandfather.

of death and drugs

Sandi: Gma, did you hear that?
Gma: No, what?
Sandi: If you can talk to me about death you can talk to me about drugs.
Gma: Okay. Sandi, if you do drugs, we'll have to talk about death.

no words.

Sandi: Oh, Grandma, look how good my butt looks in these jeans.
Gma: Well lets see. *puts her hands on my hips, keeps her hands that wide and starts walking for the door*
Sandi: What are you doing?
Gma: *At the door pushing her arms though* Seeing if you'll fit through the door.
Sandi: I can't believe you just said that.
Gma: I can't believe you let me do that.
Sandi: Oh, this is SO going in my blog.
Gma: CPS wont think it's too funny, Sandi.

Of sing and sung.

Gma: Guess what song we sung yesterday at church?
Sandi: Sang.
Gma: What?
Sandi: Sang. you ment to say sang.
Gma: Who gives a flying poopy fuck?
Sandi: You did not just say that.

At a wedding? Really grandma?

Sandi: (handing Gma a Dove chocolate wrapper...you know, the ones with the sayings) Here Granmda. for you. (It said "Age is but a number")
Gma: Well thats a load of crap, thats what that is.
Sandi: Yea? what about this one grandma? (I hand her one that says "Discover yourself")
Gma: Is that like masturbation?


My sisters that were sitting at the table with us almost died laughing. :) gotta love Gma

About the Blog

Sandi: I'm glad i'm keeping this blog grandma.
Gma: Why?
Sandi: Well, because when you're gone, I can share all these wonderful conversations with my kids, when they're old enough.
Gma: How long do these things last?
Sandi: Well it's online, so probably forever.
Gma: Who reads this?
Sandi: Oh, I don't know. Emily? Olivia? others? Everyone loves them. espically the one of the cat humping the neighbor.
Gma: WHAT? What are you talking about.
Sandi: You know, the orange cat that humped the neighbor?
Gma: NO! He didn't hump the neighbor! Where did you get that? you nasty little girl....
Sandi: Thats what you said!
Gma: NO...he humped the neighbors cat, who was male, also. You don't listen, Sandi.
Sandi: I swear thats what you said grandma.


*a few mins later*
Gma: oh hum di dum. I humped the cat today. hum di dum "Hello honey, I'm home, what did you do today?" "oh, I humped the cat...hum di dum..." Gosh, Sandi. You're so nasty.

Cartwheel??

Gma: Sandi, come here.
Sandi: Yes, grandma?
Gma: Do a carwheel.
Sandi: What?
Gma: You heard me...Do a carwheel?
Sandi: Really?
Gma: Really.
Sandi: No, Grandma.
Gma: Okay, well I didn't want you hitting the TV anyways.

1:30 AM Wednesday morning:

Gma: (walking down the hall)*grumble noises*
Sandi: Grandma? What are you doing? Are you a Zombie?
Gma: (puts hands out in front of her) *grumbling* Zombieeeee.
Sandi: Grandma....you're so weird
Gma: Zombie hungry. Zombie eat humans.
Sandi: Go to bed grandma.

Phone conversation

Sandi: Is grandma there?
Gpa: Yeah, hang on.
*silence*
Gma: Hello?
Sandi: What do you want?
Gma: I don't know, you called me.
Sandi: Oh, well, I just wanted to say that.
Gma: Ah, okay. You can call me names if you want.
Sandi: Really?
Gma: Sure. Why not?
*talking about this weekend*
Sandi: Alright grandma, I'm going to go.
Gma: Okay, see you tomorrow.
Sandi: I love you, Grandma Kay.
Gma: I love you too, Granddaughter Sandi.
Sandi: *giggle* Bye Grandma.

I want to drive!

So, Grandma won't ever let me drive her van, dunno why, she just wont.

Sandi: Grandma, let me drive home, please?
Gma: Uh, is the pope catholic?
Sandi: Yea?
Gma: Nope, he's Lutheran.
Sandi: Oh. You should have asked me if he's jewish.
Gma: (hits my arm) No, he's not! Don't say that.


-----------------------------------

Later that day:

Sandi: oh, grandma, my shoes are a size 5, not 4
grandma: oh, you little harlot.

Jan. 6th, 2008 *the one that started it all*

She sat next to me to see Kristina's engagement picture, and touched my computer screen:

Gma: OH! it's a touch screen!
Me: Sure, Gma
Gma: Well, what happens when i do this? (Touches iChat converstion)
Me: (hits open apple + w [closes window])
Gma: OH! look at that (touches Jamie's name)
Me: (Hits Enter)
Gma: This is fun! (Touches Jamie's window)
Me: (hits open apple + w again)
Gma: Well what happens if I touch it here? (touches iChat buddy list)
Me: (hits open apple + w [closes list])
Gma: Well.. now i lost it
Me: Touch the browser window see what happens.
Gma: (touches browser)
Me: (open apple +m [minimizes window])
Gma: huh. where'd it go?
Me: Right there. (points to little window in icon bar) Gma why don't you push play?
Gma: (touches play button on iTunes)
Me: (hits spacebar)
Gma: Wow.
Me: (laughing) You know that it's not really a touch screen right Gma?
Gma: Huh? SANDI! I knew that.
Me: No you didn't
Gma: Yes i DID. but i was confused for a second



Hahahaha... i love my gma. :)

Of Asparagus and humping cats...

Sandi: I want an orange kitty. Gma, get me an orange kitty.
Gma: No. you don't want an orange kitty. we had one once.
Sandi: oh, yea? you're lying. what was it's name
Gma: uh......ask your dad, he'll know
Sandi: you're such a liar. it wasn't Go Away?
Gma: No, that was the gray cat.
Sandi: Oh, right.
Gma: He was gay.
Sandi: What?
Gma: He would always hump our neighbor.
Sandi: *Dies laughing*
Gma: It's true. then he got an abscess that we got taken off. then he ran away.


........................................


Sandi: What are you eating?
Gma Kay: Asparagus and Noodles.
Sandi: Looks like salami and crackers.
Gma Kay: Nope
Sandi: Asparagus and noodles. Okay Grandma.
10 mins later
Gma Kay: (Sargento cheese comercial) Asparagus, noodles and cheese.
Sandi: Asparagus noodles?
Gma Kay: NO. Asparagus and noodles. Thats what i'm going to cook for dinner tonight.
Sandi: Yea? What are you going to cook when Adam is here?
Gma Kay: Asparagus and Noodles
Sandi: Ah. Okay grandma.
Gma Kay: See, they (The Little People Big World people) eat asparagus and noodles
Sandi: They aren't grandma
Gma Kay: Oh. Okay.

***Half hour later***
Gma Kay: (Yogurt commercial on TV) MMmmm, yogurt, asparagus and noodles.
Sandi: *giggle*
Gma Kay: Don't laugh at me you little bitch. I saw you smile.